ILLINOIS TO SECEDE
Several weeks ago former action movie star Jackie Chan called the United States the most corrupt nation in the world.
Last year a well-publicized analysis found Illinois to be the third-most corrupt state in the nation.
Feeling that Illinois was not getting enough credit for its contribution to the overall corruptness of the nation, the Democrats that control the State, and therefore the corruption, have taken the first steps toward removing Illinois from the United States. After the process is completed, Illinois will be recognized as the most corrupt nation in the world.
The current democratic process of ‘electing’ public officials will replaced with a monarchy headed by Representative Mike Madigan. Once he dies, the crown will pass to his daughter Lisa, who has been ‘Ruler in waiting’ for the last twelve years.
Since Illinois has no valuable natural resources, and since the latest Democratic tax grab has caused corporations to leave the State in droves, Illinois will leverage its position as a transportation hub to fund the State’s budget.
All roads leading into and out from the Illinois will have toll booths. Likewise every train will be stopped at Illinois’ borders to pay entrance and exit fees. Although airport ‘landing fees’ already exist, a new ‘departure fee’ will be charged at every airport in the State.
King Madigan has decreed that the following new laws will be instituted once Illinois becomes a country:
- All political parties other than the Democrats will be prohibited from holding office.
- Political corruption will be condoned.
- Judges will be appointed based on political clout; not merit.
- A percentage of all bribes/kickbacks/etc. will be donated to the royal treasury. Such money will be doled out to the King’s friends as the King sees fit.
- Any laws initiated by anyone other than the King or his advisers will be sent through numerous committees, languishing until the King deems that sufficient funds have been deposited into the royal treasury.
- Every citizen will become an employee of the kingdom, with a constitutionally guaranteed pension. Actual work will not be required.
- The current $90 billion un-funded pension plan balance will disappear thanks to Illinois’ issuance of its own currency.
A spokesman for the King has stated that the public will not notice much change.
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