For Duty And Humanity

Sara Lee hires Epstein away from Cubs.

In a move that has shocked not only the sports world, but also the business community, the Chicago Cubs have released newly signed President of Baseball Operations Theo Epstein from his five-year contract to allow him to become the Chief Executive Officer of Sara Lee Corporation (Ticker Symbol: SLE). As compensation for releasing Epstein from his contract the Cubs will receive free Ball Park Franks and Ball Park hot dog buns for the next five years along with a draft pick from the Sara Lee softball team.

An anonymous source with the Cubs stated that

“Mr. Ricketts realized that he went overboard in hiring three general managers to perform the functions of the one that he fired. After evaluating the situation he determined that the Cubs need the hot dogs more than a gaggle of general managers. We have more GMs than you can shake a stick at, if that’s your idea of a good time.”

Ms. Esca Dyspepsia, chairwoman of Sara Lee’s Executive Search Committee, feels that Sara Lee is getting a bargain.

“Sara Lee is moving from a conglomerate that produced products that consumers actually enjoyed buying due to a physical and psychological need to a leaner company more concerned with slogans and buzz words than actual products. Nobody is more associated with hype and buzz than Theo Epstein. We feel that through his use of saber-metrics and thinking outside the box Theo will be able to transition Sara Lee to a pure-play company thereby unlocking the value of our stock for our shareholders.”

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