For Duty And Humanity

Senate super-committee discovers cause for cardboard shortage.

The special Senate super-committee chaired by John Kerry (D-MA) formed to study the cardboard shortage revealed in an earlier article has completed its task and issued its findings in record time. The findings, which only took three months and one hundred and forty-two million dollars ($142,000,000.00) are as follows:

“This committee has determined that the cause of the United States cardboard shortage can be traced to the toilet paper industry (TPI).
In order to deceive the American consumer, the TPI has increased the diameter of the rolls used for toilet paper. The consumer assumes that he is getting the same amount of toilet paper based on the diameter of the entire roll. However the consumer is getting much less, without a corresponding reduction in price.
This increased cardboard usage due in larger roll diameter is partially offset by the fact that the TPI decreased its cardboard usage by shortening the width of its toilet paper rolls making each sheet narrower. However, this decrease in width does not compensate for the increase in diameter.
Not only has this resulted in a marked decrease in the amount of available cardboard, but the consumer has been hit with a double whammy: paying the same amount for a lesser amount of narrower sheets.
We would like to thank President Obama for his prophetic vision on this matter when he declared that the cardboard shortage would send the global economy down the toilet.”

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