The special Senate super-committee chaired by John Kerry (D-MA) formed to study the cardboard shortage revealed in an earlier article has completed its task and issued its findings in record time. The findings, which only took three months and one hundred and forty-two million dollars ($142,000,000.00) are as follows:

“This committee has determined that the cause of the United States cardboard shortage can be traced to the toilet paper industry (TPI).
In order to deceive the American consumer, the TPI has increased the diameter of the rolls used for toilet paper. The consumer assumes that he is getting the same amount of toilet paper based on the diameter of the entire roll. However the consumer is getting much less, without a corresponding reduction in price.
This increased cardboard usage due in larger roll diameter is partially offset by the fact that the TPI decreased its cardboard usage by shortening the width of its toilet paper rolls making each sheet narrower. However, this decrease in width does not compensate for the increase in diameter.
Not only has this resulted in a marked decrease in the amount of available cardboard, but the consumer has been hit with a double whammy: paying the same amount for a lesser amount of narrower sheets.
We would like to thank President Obama for his prophetic vision on this matter when he declared that the cardboard shortage would send the global economy down the toilet.”

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Unilever Foods has reduced the amount of Calories, Calories From Fat, Cholesterol, Sodium, and Saturated Fat in a tub of its I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Light™ by over 6.5%.

The process used to accomplish this feat is not patented by Unilever and is relatively simple. In fact, it is being used an increasingly larger number of companies.

Unilever has simply reduced the size of a tub of its I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Light™ from 16 ounces to 15 ounces, a 6.67% decrease in the amount of product sold to the consumer. Since the size of the container has not changed, the consumer still believes that they are buying a full pound of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Light™.

Because Unilever has not reduced the price of its product, the only item that is not ‘lighter’ is Unilever’s bottom line. That has grown fatter by 6.67%.

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Former President Bill Clinton has contacted presidential hopeful Herman Cain congratulating him on the number of women who have claimed that Cain made improper sexual advances toward them. He informed the candidate to not let these accusations derail his campaign. He also offered his consulting services to Mr. Cain to help him define ‘sexual harassment’.

Sources close to both individuals confirmed that the former President is somewhat envious, and was heard muttering to himself “How can he get so many women? I could only get two, and I was President!”.

The former Democratic President holds Mr. Cain in such high esteem that he is considering the highly unusual step of endorsing the Republican Cain for President.

According to an anonymous source

“President Clinton feels that soon-to-be former President Obama’s policies are ruining both the country and the Democratic Party’s chances of retaining the White House and President Clinton wants to be on the winning side in the next election. He would probably vote for Mr. Cain over any other Democratic candidate, including Hillary.”

The source refused to comment on the report that the former President is hoping that his endorsement would lead to a cabinet or ambassadorial position.

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In a move that has shocked not only the sports world, but also the business community, the Chicago Cubs have released newly signed President of Baseball Operations Theo Epstein from his five-year contract to allow him to become the Chief Executive Officer of Sara Lee Corporation (Ticker Symbol: SLE). As compensation for releasing Epstein from his contract the Cubs will receive free Ball Park Franks and Ball Park hot dog buns for the next five years along with a draft pick from the Sara Lee softball team.

An anonymous source with the Cubs stated that

“Mr. Ricketts realized that he went overboard in hiring three general managers to perform the functions of the one that he fired. After evaluating the situation he determined that the Cubs need the hot dogs more than a gaggle of general managers. We have more GMs than you can shake a stick at, if that’s your idea of a good time.”

Ms. Esca Dyspepsia, chairwoman of Sara Lee’s Executive Search Committee, feels that Sara Lee is getting a bargain.

“Sara Lee is moving from a conglomerate that produced products that consumers actually enjoyed buying due to a physical and psychological need to a leaner company more concerned with slogans and buzz words than actual products. Nobody is more associated with hype and buzz than Theo Epstein. We feel that through his use of saber-metrics and thinking outside the box Theo will be able to transition Sara Lee to a pure-play company thereby unlocking the value of our stock for our shareholders.”

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The Obama administration is being brought into another decades-old conflict that could become more divisive than the battle over health care or the status of illegal immigrants. President Obama’s response to this issue could very well determine how history views his Presidency. An unnamed White House source even hinted that the President’s marriage could be in jeopardy.

This issue, of course, is whether George Lucas should be allowed to continually make changes to the original six Star Wars movies.

The White House source stated that the First Lady feels that since the movies are Lucas’, he can do what he wants with them. The President, who is more conservative than the First Lady, feels that a movie should not be altered once it is released. “That would be like making changes to an economic stimulus plan once you found out that it didn’t work. Besides, if Mr. Lucas spent as much time on new movies as he does revising old movies, we’d have eighteen Star Wars movies instead of just six.”

The President is naming former President Bill Clinton as special envoy to Hollywood to ‘drum up’ support from his many friends in the entertainment industry. He is also sending Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to Europe, the Middle East, and the Pacific Rim to reassure the United States’ allies that this matter is moving to the top of the President’s ‘hot’ list.

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Former President endorses President Obama.

Former President Jimmy Carter has thrown his support behind the drive to re-elect President Barack Obama to a second term. This support will include campaign appearances, fund raising, and general promotion of the President, his policies, and the overall Democratic ticket.

While the former President has maintained a relatively low profile in politics, preferring to focus on Habitat For Humanity, his campaign ‘juices’ have started to flow. Some news analysts have stated that they have not seen President Carter so politically excited since his own campaign that ultimately led to him becoming the 39th President of the United States.

An un-named source close to the former President stated that

“President Carter really wants President Obama to win a second term. We feel that four more years of the Obama administration policies will knock President Carter from the number one spot on the Most Inept President list.”

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An analysis of the Quarterly Cardboard Inventory (QCI) report issued today by the United States Department of Commerce reveals an alarming statistic. The amount of cardboard available for production has dropped from the previous quarter by fifteen percent. While that alone might not seem terrible, it represents the fifth consecutive quarter that the inventory has declined by ten percent or more.

President Obama, in a rare display of leadership, is requesting that Congress approve his request for a new Cabinet level position (the Cardboard Czar), along with its bureaucracy, to squander billions of tax dollars in order to monitor the situation. He is also appointing Senator John Kerry (D-MA) to head a special blue-ribbon committee to investigate the cause of the shortage and the possible implications to the global financial markets.

The President’s remarks included the following:

“…People may ignore cardboard, but it is the most important item of our economy, and is the basis for my Economic Recovery Plan (Version 16). Think about it. If there is not enough cardboard, Amazon cannot ship any merchandise. And if Amazon cannot ship any merchandise, there goes the economy – right down the toilet.”

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Randy Quaid and his wife Evi have been signed to star in the newest entry of the ‘Vacation’ series: National Lampoon’s Canadian Vacation.

In this sure-to-be hilarious movie, Quaid stars as a has-been out-of-work actor that begins having delusions that hit squads are trying to kill him for “what he knows”. As the hit squads close in, Randy and his wife decide to take a vacation to the great white north until everyone in the United States forgets about him.

Taking a cue from The Expendables the hit squads will be comprised of an ensemble cast of C-grade action heroes, many of whom have worked with Randy in the dim and distant past.

Chevy Chase will reprise his role of Clark Griswold. In a hysterical bout of irony, Clark, who works for the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services agency is charged with going to Canada to find Randy and convince him to come back to the United States because Hollywood needs him.

Kiss has announced plans to commemorate the tenth anniversary of its last ‘farewell’ tour by starting another farewell tour.

An anonymous insider of the group stated that

“The guys are really jazzed about touring again. They’re hoping that this farewell tour lasts 15 years, ending just in time to begin the 25th anniversary farewell tour tour.”

Rumors are swirling that the group will play two days in each city: one in makeup and one without. Also, each concert will have a different set order and a different souvenir t-shirt. To make it more fun for their fans and more profitable for themselves the group will not decide which show to put on until a few hours before show time.

According to the insider, “All members of the Kiss Army will want to go to both shows and buy both t-shirts for a total Kissperience.”

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According to its website,

“Regus plc operates over 1000 business centers across 450 cities in 75 countries. Products and services include fully furnished, equipped and staffed offices, world-class business support services, meeting conference and training facilities and the largest network of public video conference rooms all serving over 200,000 clients daily.”

While those statements are in fact true, the FCC has fined Regus for the portrayal of its business centers in television and print ads. According to FCC spokesman Sean Despistar:

“Each and every Regus print or television ad shows smiling people being productive and actually enjoying their work. Has anyone ever seen that in any office situation? I don’t think so! Even Federal government employees, who don’t have to do any actual work, are always frowning. We certainly cannot have workers in the private sector look forward to going to work, while we just go through the motions waiting for the day when we can collect our fully funded pensions.”

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